Let me give you some comic relief first. These were taken from actual evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
3. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
4. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
7. This employee should go far… and the sooner he starts, the better.
8. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
9. He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.
10. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
11. He would argue with a signpost.
12. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
13. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
14. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
15. If you see two people talking and one looks bored… he’s the other one.
16. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
17. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
19. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
20. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
2. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
3. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
4. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
7. This employee should go far… and the sooner he starts, the better.
8. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
9. He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.
10. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
11. He would argue with a signpost.
12. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
13. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
14. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
15. If you see two people talking and one looks bored… he’s the other one.
16. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
17. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
19. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
20. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Though I understand the humor and perhaps the frustration behind the words listed above, I do not suggest you do the same. Evaluations should be seriously approached and thought of. Evaluations are placed into personnel files which last for years. They represent you and your company.
Evaluations are really the last chapter in helping your employees understand how they can contribute and be a value to the overall progress of the mission of the business. Before evaluations, employees and those assigned with personnel duties should have sat down and gone over the employee handbook, the specific duties and expectations of the employee, and the goals for the employee. Make sure the goals are objective and attainable. This should be a time where the new employee finds out about the company's panoramic view, the company's business sector and it's specific place in it and how they make a difference to the company's success. Every employee counts.
One of the mistakes many companies make is to give a ratings scale but never give out a perfect score. For example if the scale is 1-5 on meeting a specific goal, the company never gives a 5 to any of the employees. So why have a 1-5 scale? Why have a scale at all? You could use a percent if you have written a goal that has this in mind. For instance: Goal is to contact 20 new businesses within a quarter. Twenty businesses contacted is 100% attained, 15 businesses contacted is 75%, and 10 businesses contacted is 50%. These goals then would be set up and then when evaluation time comes around, both the employee and the personnel director would be very clear on whether or not goals were attained. Documentation would be used to verify how many companies were contacted.
Next you, or if you have a personnel manager, would decide on satisfactory outcomes. Once your evaluations are based on objective goals, then what are the rewards and consequences? These too should be discussed at the time goals are set and followed through at the evaluation conference.
Some owners feel the paycheck is the reward for satisfactory work. Do you have plans in place for those who go beyond average? Again, if you want to proceed with this, set up objective criteria, let employees know ahead of time, and fulfill the promise when the goal is met.
Everybody dreads evaluations, both the ones writing them and the ones receiving them. If goals are written clearly with objective language that both parties understand, perhaps even in participating in composing/editing, then the conversation should go relatively smoothly. Review time will include a summary about the company's panoramic view, the business sector and it's specific place in it. The employee should be told how their participation played a part. Keep it simple, respectful, and calming. Assuming the employee is retained, then start again, setting objective goals for the next year.
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